5 Reasons Why Forgiveness Should Not Be a Requirement in Order to Heal from Trauma
We’ve all heard some of these popular phrases:
“Forgiveness is for you, not the other person.”
“You need to forgive so that you can move on.”
“Don’t let someone rent space in your head.”
Many of us have come to believe these popular phrases. And then, there is the religious aspect. Forgiveness is a central experience of Christians. In Matthew 18:21 – 35, Jesus teaches his followers that God’s forgiveness of us shows why and how we can forgive others. The Church often teaches us that even if someone doesn’t ask for forgiveness, we can and must forgive them. We learn there is a danger from lack of forgiveness as Jesus commands us to forgive.
So understanding that forgiveness isn’t always the goal in healing from trauma can be difficult for us to overcome due to societal conceptions and norms.
Why Forgiveness is Potentially Problematic in Trauma Recovery
Forgiveness is potentially problematic when incorporated into therapy and healing from trauma. It’s often said that forgiveness can help survivors move on or let go of the pain of their past. And some believe that you must forgive those who caused or contributed to your trauma in order to recover.
However, there is no statistical evidence that suggests this is true.
Sure, there are benefits for some who have experienced trauma, but what works for one person does not work for all. And that means forgiveness is not required in order to heal from trauma. Furthermore, mandating or encouraging forgiveness can be detrimental, or further traumatizing for survivors, creating obstacles in their healing journey.
Let’s delve into this deeper, and why forgiveness should not be imposed in the healing journey for those with trauma.
1 | Forgiveness Diminishes Harm and Inhibits Safety
Imagine being told that you must forgive someone who harmed you. Imposing forgiveness says “the impact of that harm on you does not matter.” Dismissive messaging such as “let it go” or “it was years ago” diminishes the harm and demonstrates a lack of acceptance and even empathy on the part of those who express these sentiments. This can make the person who experienced trauma feel like their emotions and experiences are illegitimate, false, or misdirected. It can also suggest that their justified pain and anger is simply less important than their ability to forgive their abuser. Acceptance of their pain and experiences is key to fostering and maintaining safety for those who have experienced trauma. And safety is a requirement in order to heal from trauma.
The bottom line: Safety is a requirement of healing from trauma, not forgiveness, and safety only comes through empathy and acceptance of traumatic experiences.
2 | Forgiveness Focuses on the Abuser, Not the Survivor
There is a well-intentioned saying that forgiveness is for you, not the other person. However, this does not translate well to trauma-informed recovery because forgiveness focuses on the relationship the survivor had or has with their abuser. In contrast, trauma-informed healing focuses on the survivor’s relationship with themselves, i.e. their individualized needs and internal process.
If the relationship the survivor has with the abuser is addressed, it’s looked at from the needs and interests of the survivor. While some survivors may benefit from forgiving their abuser, others may not. Each person who has experienced trauma is unique, and their needs in order to heal from that trauma will also be unique. So moral attitudes surrounding forgiveness are contrary and counter-therapeutic as they center the abuser at the expense of the victim. Forgiveness puts the onus on the victim to right a past wrong and can even suggest that failure to extend forgiveness is itself a wrong. This shifts the attention and blame away from the real wrong that was perpetrated by the trauma itself.
3 | Forgiveness Perpetuates Shame
Shame is often created or validated by trauma. Survivors often believe themselves to be unlovable, not good enough, stupid, incapable, weak, or bad. They feel they cannot exist safely in the world. In short, those who have experienced trauma often blame themselves for their own trauma. A heavy emphasis on the value of forgiveness can perpetuate a culture of victim-blaming and shame that survivors have already internalized.
Requiring forgiveness of the abuser can be perceived as the survivor being blamed for the actions of their abuser, or a false equivalence between the wrong of the abuser and supposed “wrong” of the survivor failing to forgive the abuser. This exacerbates feelings of shame and again, centers on the abuser, not the survivor’s needs.
View it through the lens of this example: A child believes they are “bad” because their mother yelled at and punched them. This can have a negative impact on their self-worth and relationships. Forcing someone to forgive an abuser only serves to further validate the survivor’s internalized notion that they are a “bad” person.
4 | Forgiveness Encourages Silence
Once forgiveness has happened, we often don’t discuss or process a situation further. Think of a time when you have truly forgiven someone for something. Bringing up the incident again with them or yourself is often rare. In fact, a common sign that you have not actually forgiven someone for something is your need to continue to discuss the transgression. As a result, forgiveness can carry with it the expectation to both ourselves and others that there won’t be a need for further discussion about the topic in the future. This can instill a false sense of reconciliation or closure.
However, trauma survivors need to be able to disclose and share their trauma narratives as often as needed; this is a vital part of recovery. If we are pressured to forgive, we may feel as though we should not continue to share or explore our narrative, inhibiting our ability to process and heal.
5 | Forgiveness Can Be Used to Avoid Healing
Finally, forgiveness can be the path of least resistance, which isn’t always a good thing. Trauma recovery is emotional, and at times physically painful. To avoid the pain of processing trauma, one might force themselves to forgive their abuser in the hopes that the impact of the trauma will dissipate. Yet the relief that is experienced is often temporary for survivors, if it comes at all. Those who have experienced trauma have to process their experiences and emotions in order to heal.
Final Thoughts
This isn’t an argument that forgiveness should never be used in treatment to heal from trauma. Some survivors do benefit from it. However, forgiveness should not be considered a compulsory component of the trauma-informed recovery process, or as a prerequisite for “moving forward.” When forgiveness is needed, it occurs naturally in the treatment process, without needing to be forced or encouraged. There are also many survivors of trauma who never forgive their abusers and yet achieve successful trauma recovery, reporting they have a sense of peace and hope for the future.
The bottom line is that you should always focus on your child’s needs and interests. If forgiveness is not part of their healing journey, do not force it to become a part of their journey. No two children with trauma are the same, and what works for one won’t work for another. By centering the needs of your unique child, you can help them address their trauma in a healthy way. Remember, you are there to guide them. You cannot force them to heal from their trauma on your timeline. With love, empathy, and support, your child can be the hero of their own story, whether forgiveness is part of that story or not.
