How to Connect with Your Child when They are Dysregulated
Emotional dysregulation–you hear that phrase a lot and it has a really big impact on parenting and relationships. Emotional dysregulation can occur in any person, though it happens even more often in children with trauma, and just means that their brain is stuck in a stress response. It’s often accompanied by a lack of a rational response and it seems that no amount of logic will help pull the person back.
We’ve all seen it. Someone is totally overwhelmed, reactive, and spiraling. It could be a child having a meltdown at the store, or a coworker slamming a door. It could even be you crying uncontrollably behind the wheel of your car. These aren’t rare moments. No, these are human moments.
But to have real connection, even when dealing with the hard stuff, we have to respond with intention. That is where these 3 deceptively simple words come in: regulate, relate, and reason.
What Does Emotional Dysregulation Look Like?
When a person is dysregulated, they’ve lost access to the part of the brain that is responsible for reflection, reason, and planning. They are flooded both emotionally and physically with stress chemicals.
It can be hard to reach a person when they are in this state. You may think they hear you, but not really. You’ve probably tried phrases such as, “I hear you,” or, “It’s okay to be upset,” but the person is still spiraling.
You may notice that the person who is dysregulated is raising their voice. You may also notice sharp body language. The opposite could also be true; they could have gone silent, withdrawn into a protective state.
The key thing to understand is that if validating their feelings isn’t calming them down, you are not in a reasoning moment yet.
If you’ve ever felt that way, then you probably felt that a conversation wasn’t helpful at that point. Perhaps the conversation was even a bit harmful.
That is when we must learn to pause.
Why Self-Regulation Must Come First
When we take a moment to pause, we can begin to ground ourselves in the moment. Your ability to stay grounded directly affects how people respond to you. That is why the first step in Bruce Perry’s Regulate, Relate, Reason model is so powerful.
Reasoning doesn’t work until we’ve regulated it. In other words, you can’t “calm down” until you feel safe.
We are biologically hardwired to go into fight or flight mode, and until the nervous system feels safe, our brain can’t think and reason.
How Do You Regulate?
Self-regulation is personal. No one tool or method works for everyone but there are patterns.
- Breathing: slow and steady inhales with longer exhales signal to the brain that it’s safe to calm down.
- Music: songs with 60 to 80 beats per minute mimic a calm heartbeat and can ease the body out of fight or flight mode.
- Movement: walking, stretching, and dancing can all help get rid of extra energy.
- Sensory Tools: cold water, a favorite texture, a weighted blanket, poppers, or fidgets can all help to anchor you in the present moment.
- Pause: simply having a moment to collect your thoughts can be one of the most powerful tools of all.
Remember, you can’t regulate someone else if you haven’t regulated yourself! It’s all about co-regulation, and helping someone else find calm because you have created it.
The Science in the Sequence
Dr. Bruce Perry states that, “Without some degree of regulation, it is difficult to connect with another person, and without connection, there is minimal reasoning.”
When we are dysregulated, the brain is in survival mode. We cannot be reasoned with because the only language we understand at that moment is safety or danger.
Once we are regulated, only then is it possible to make a connection (Relate). You make this connection through empathy, eye contact, and presence.
Then once you have made that connection, you begin to reason–to guide or make decisions together.
The 3 R’s for Parents (And Teachers)
This approach doesn’t just apply to kids; it works with adults who are dysregulated too. Even as adults, we are still learning how to regulate, how to feel our emotions, how to listen, and how to speak with care.
It’s learnable. And by practicing it, we become a safe person to others. We become a person who offers space for clarity, not escalating chaos.
So much of our life comes down to this:
- Can I stay present, even when emotions run high?
- Can I listen, even when I disagree?
- Can I model what it looks like to pause, connect, and move forward with intention?
Key Takeaways
Following the sequence of the 3 R’s is key to helping someone come back to the present moment and be able to move forward. We cannot reason with someone who is dysregulated, and we cannot reason if someone doesn’t feel a connection or feel safe with us. Being a force for calm in the chaos can help others come back from that precipice and is far more effective than telling someone to “just calm down.” I have seen the change that the 3 R’s have brought to my own family’s life and I know it will help create more peaceful, reasoned moments with your family.
