How to Create a Trauma-Informed Mealtime Ritual
Even the most mundane things can cause dysregulation in children with trauma. Prior to coming to your safe and loving home, a child may have experienced trauma before, during, or after dinner, as well as food insecurity, making mealtime a trigger for your child. In this article, we’ll take a look at some ways you can make mealtimes trauma informed by creating a routine, an inclusive and safe environment, and more.
Challenges to Consider
Children who have experienced trauma may have some challenges that you might not have considered. Abuse, neglect, a parent with a history of mental illness, witnessing domestic violence, and experiencing food insecurity can lead to some challenging habits your child may have developed in order to deal with their trauma. Keeping these in mind can help you develop a mealtime routine that supports your child and their unique needs.
Children who have experienced abuse, neglect, or food insecurity are likely to develop anxiety and depression. Because of this, many end up with feeding issues, such as:
- Difficulty handling utensils
- Hoarding food
- Sensory processing issues and aversions to particular foods or textures
- Anxiety around mealtimes related to trauma
- Eating disorders
- Learning and developmental challenges
Children with trauma, especially complex trauma, have a complicated relationship with food. Taking a trauma-informed approach is all about reframing how we approach this seemingly mundane task.
For parents, dinnertime especially can be challenging. It’s likely you have had a long and hard day, making it difficult for you to help your child regulate. On top of that, your child might be oppositional, and that behavior can trigger something in you too, depending on your own history and stress levels.
Creating a Trauma-Informed Mealtime Ritual
With so much complexity around mealtime, how can you create a routine that creates a safe and healthy mealtime? These tips will help you create a dinner or mealtime ritual that works and allows for real connection and safety.
1 | Regulate Before Coming to the Table
Dysregulation is “contagious.” If you are dysregulated, it can cause your child to become dysregulated. If your child is dysregulated, it can lead to you becoming dysregulated. And transition times are inherently dysregulating. It’s a vicious cycle.
Both parent and child should practice regulating their emotions away from the table first. Regulation can be done on your own, or as a family. Regulation is a skill that we build outside of mealtimes, and then if we begin to feel dysregulated at mealtime, we are comfortable enough to utilize those skills during mealtime. An example of an activity that regulates that we can use at the dinner table is deep breathing exercises.
2 | Don’t Take It Personally
We treat children differently when we think of this as a control issue. Remember, it’s not about you controlling your child, but about guiding your child in learning how to control their own emotions. It’s about establishing relationships. So when something happens at the dinner table, stay calm and don’t take it personally. Remember that what looks like manipulation or brattiness from your child is their way of connecting with you around issues with transitions, anxiety, and fear. It’s their way of saying “I need help.”
When dysregulation happens at the table, focus on Positive Safe Relationships (PSR). This is about showing empathy, helping your child regulate, and focusing them on hope for healing in the future. To learn more about healing through PSR, read our blog on the 3 Keys to Healing Childhood Trauma.
3 | Create a Routine
Be as predictable as possible. For children with trauma, any environment that is unpredictable is traumatizing. For many children with trauma, they had to be hypervigilant during dinner, constantly on the lookout for something bad happening. Mealtimes were unsafe times for them. And for kids that experienced neglect or abuse, they don’t have the skills and experience necessary to understand what a regular, predictable family meal should be like, or to participate successfully in one.
So creating a safe and predictable environment is key to helping your child overcome ingrained fears around mealtime. Letting your child know what to expect makes mealtimes feel safe and predictable. But also allowing them to feel like they have some control over the situation can also be helpful. Some ways you can do that include:
- Letting your child know ahead of time what you will be eating
- Telling your child where everyone is going to sit (such as breakfast nook versus dining room table)
- Allowing your child to choose one food each night to have
4 | Take the Pressure Off
Many of the expectations adults have are unreasonable for a child who struggles to feel safe at mealtime. This can include eating what is served, using basic manners, and participating in conversation. Keep mealtime as low-pressure as possible until your child gradually begins to build their sense of security. Remember, anything that is out of their control can be dysregulating for your child. And bodily autonomy and physical safety are still important at mealtime. What goes into your body and who puts it in can lead to mealtime challenges. So allow your child to have some extra input into what is served, and make it a point to refrain from commenting on how much is eaten or not eaten at meals.
As for conversation, remember that socializing at mealtime isn’t a skill your child is quite ready to master yet. Instead, focus on building that foundation of safety, safe relationships, and comfort before expecting your child to engage at the table. Consider playing some music, working on controlling lighting, or making chairs more comfortable. And remember, don’t ask too many questions in an attempt to get the conversation going. Allow your child to engage when they are comfortable.
5 | Meet Your Child Where They Are
Above all, remember to meet your child where they are, not where you believe they should be according to societal norms. Only involve your child to the extent that they are comfortable. If joining the family at the dinner table is too much, allow them that space and time to heal and feel more secure. If they can only handle a few minutes, do not force them to stay longer. Your child may be able to participate more over time, but if a child isn’t ready to engage in mealtimes, forcing them to do more than they are ready can result in a struggle that no one will benefit from.
Key Takeaways
Mealtime is often viewed as a central representation of our culture, traditions, and unique family history. It represents feeling nourished, calmed, fulfilled, and satiated. It’s often a collaborative process for parents and children, building on cultural traditions and family values. But the bottom line is that you should always focus on positive, safe relationships, and safe and comfortable environments above all else. Over time, with patience and consistency, it is possible to build nurturing mealtime rituals. Using a collaborative spirit around mealtimes creates an environment that prioritizes respect and inclusivity that can nurture everyone around your table.
